Albus Dumbledore vs Harry Potter (the battle for the world)
by The real crazy pedantic
Summary: Albis Dumbledore left Harry to die in favor of his Uncle. This will later be a decision Dumbledore will regret or will he? Caution this story is bloody in parts!
1. the man eater

'Avada kedavra"and Lily and James potter were dead, the dark Lord was gone. The whole wizarding world was in mourning for the lives of James and Lily, despite the dark lord gone. Amist all the drama there was still 2 men who found reason to celebrate.

Our story begins With two famous people of the wizarding holding hands and gallopping the rural english countryside. These two men were none other than Barty Crouch sr who was minister of magic at the time. The other Albus (Badboy) Dumbledore he liked to call himself. Albus is in the order of merlin 1st class by defeating his former boyfriend he was also headmaster at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizadry. As these 2 new companions were galloping Albus was singing "JOY TO THE WORLD THE POTTERS ARE DEAD, NOW I GET THERE FORTUNE! Dumbledore hollowed collapsing on top of Crouch Sr. Dumbledore and Crouch's tongues invaded each others mouths. Dumbledores kissing got more and more aggressive until he was biting Barty's tongue drawing blood. Surprised by how good the blood tasted, Dumbledore Now ripped Barty's tongue out and then proceded to his face and soon dumbledore ate Crouch's face While a helpless Crouch could just lay there .

Moments later: Dumbledore plunged his head into Crouch's stomach ripping all of the good stuff out. Barty Crouch was no more. Dumbledore had become... A MAN EATER!

The Next day Some Ministry Officials Found a pile of bones and next to it was Barty Crouch SR's favorite cloak. Barty Crouch had now been declared dead.

Cornelius Fudge now took over as the new Minister of magic.

This is going to be the shortest chapter so do not worry!


	2. Chapter 2

Dumbledore was now at his office at Hogwarts celebrating the death of Lily and James with his new boyfriend Reginald Cattermole, but suddenly he remembered that the potters had a baby boy named Harry Potter. This wouldn't be a big deal if it weren't for the fact that Hagrid hadn't recently befriended him due to the fact that Dumbledore used to feel him up. Complete rubbish Dumbledore thought. Anyway Dumbledore would get that little shit head Harry tomorrow. However right now he was busy lighting up a joint, and making love to Reginald while he was listening to his favorite song "Firefly". "Drugs, Sex ,and Rock and Roll, Not a bad way to end the day"! Dumbledore belched into the night! Ohh! I love it when you suck my cock Reginald.

Hey everyone!


	3. Chapter 3

When Morning came of the next day Dumbledore set off to pick up Harry at Godric's Hollow. Dumbledore was to take Harry to his aunt and uncle's house at Privet Drive. Dumbledore however; did not know much about these people. Dumbledore assigned his transfiguration professor at Hogwarts Minerva Mcgonagal to basically look over their household, and see what it was like. (Which was all a scheme to make Dumbledore look good) Minerva said that there names are Vernon and Ptenuia Dursley, and they were really stuck up people and that the family already had a child named Dudley. Dumbledore got mad at Minerva when he asked how big was the uncles package; she called him a sick man that needed to get his priorities straight. Dumbledore thought hard about firing her but came to the conclusion that she'd run her alligator mouth. So instead Dumbledore decided to cut her pay in half.

Dumbledore now entered the potter's home. "Serves you right you two timing bastard"! Dumbledore snarled after walking by a picture of James Potter. Before picking up Harry Dumbledore went on a looting spree of the house putting all he could fit in a bag he brought. "You got what you deserved, stealing my James away from me, you back-stabbing bitch"! Dumbledore croaked as he smashed a Hogwarts Portrait of Lily Potter. After Stripping the house clean of jewels, money and other valuables Dumbledore went upstairs to gather Harry. "AHH! Harry my boy"! Dumbledore exclaimed as he picked up Harry and gave him a large kiss on the mouth and nibbled his tender baby but cheeks. Then all of a sudden Harry started crying out of control. "Oh shut up"! Dumbledore wheezed as he threw Harry in a separate sack.

Minerva was patiently for Dumbledore at privet drive. She was disquised as a cat to avoid suspicion. Moments later Dumbledore appeared there in a crack. Dumbledore was walking arrogantly towards the Dursley house, when all of a sudden he heard a cat meow and it wouldn't be quiet. "Oh I fucking hate cats"! Dumbledore hissed sending a killing flying at the cat missing it by mere centimeters."Albis how could you"! Minerva howled! "Oh it's you little scumbag"! Dumbledore sneered. "Where's Harry at"! Mcgonnagal asked in an agitated tone." Oh I got him right here"! Dumbledore replied merrily as he unzipped the sack and dumped Harry on the ground. Minerva was about to exclaim until she saw Dumbledore's other bag. "Albis why do you have the Potter family's portraits and posessions . "I'm giving them to Harry"! Dumbledore replied defiantly. Run along Minerva you did your part, mow scram!" Dumbledore spat.

Moments later Dumbledore was on the Dursley's porch and rang the doorbell. Moments later a large man with a big mustache answered the door." Who are you and what do you want"! the man asked briskly. I'm Albis and I'm your Daddy"! Dumbledore exclaimed as he threw Harry aside and began pelting the man with kisses. Vernon was able to punch this scrawny man off him and Dudley and Ptenuia came moments later holding both holding kitchen knives. Dumbledore got up and drew his wand. "Vernon baby is that how you treat strangers". Dumbledore purred. "How do you know name you freak"! Vernon roared. "Never mind that I"ll explain while we make love in our office". Dumbledore replied pleasantly. All of a sudden Dumbledore cast a killing curse on ptenuia as Vernon looked on horrified. "Imperio"! Dumbledore said casting the curse on Dudley and Vernon. Now let's go to my office". Dumbledore said extending his arm. "Screw you Harry"! Dumbledore spat before apparating to his office at Hogwarts leaving Harry on the ground.

Dumbledore entered his office and went right to business. "Reginald you outlived your usefulness"! Dumbledore wheezed as he rugby tackled Cattermole and began devouring him. Cattermole died from shock as Dumbledore ripped of his manhood with his teeth. After he was finished it was time to make love ." Come Vernon and Dudley, make love to me"! Dumbledore cackled as he pumped off into the night!


	4. the search for answers

Harry was laying on the cold ground covered in bruises from Dumbledore, and was crying miserably. His diaper hadn't been changed for weeks, which meant he was getting a monster rash, and he wasn't feed in a long time. To make matters worse a hideous person came out of nowhere and picked up Harry. The man was covered in hair and had large teeth he resembled a werewolf. With that the grizly man vanished with a screaming Harry.

Dumbledore was becoming worried he had tossed Harry aside, and left him on the ground. Dumbledore may be a sick man but he realized tossing a baby that he would need to sacrafice to Voldemort later on was a big mistake on his part. "Well I better uhh.. go to Little Whinging to pick that little devil up!" Dumbledore thought to himself as he peeled Vernon's head with a potato peeler.

Crack and Dumbledore had apparated at Little Whinging after pranking several muggles by ringing their doorbells and running came to the Dursley's house where Harry was. The problem was... "Where's Harry"! Dumbledore cried! Dumbledore then remembered Mrs Figg lived next door, she might know where he went. "Yes Albis I saw what happened you threw that baby aside after killing Ptenuia, and then disappeared with Vernon and Dudley, Mrs. Figg began as Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "No did you see what happened to Harry"! Dumbledore whinnied. "Albis it was a disgusting looking man with matted hair and big teeth." Mrs. Figg said stuttering. "Hahh!, it was a werewolf! Dumbledore proclaimed. "Thanks Figg, how can I repay you! Dumbledore exclaimed happily. "Don't Albis, its just my good deed of the day I guess! Figg replied merrily. "Oh Mrs. Figg is there by any chance you know the name of this person was"? Dumbledore added. "No Albis , I don't know that." Figg replied sadly. "Damn you Figg do you know anything you stupid bitch, Avada Kedavra"! Dumbledore belched as Mrs. Figg collapsed in a heap.

Dumbledore now issued a manhunt for Harry and had 2 suspects: his good friend Remus Lupin, and death eater Fenir Greyback!


	5. The liar

Dumbledore began his investigation by summining his good friend Remus Lupin. "Ahh Lupin my boy, do you realize why I summoned you here other than your good looks?" Dumbledore questioned approaching Lupin menacingly. "No Albis I don't." replied an uncomftorable Lupin. "Well Remus last night I was taking Harry to the Dursley's when all of a sudden I had a great urge to use the bathroom so I set them on the Dursleys porch and used Mrs Figgs bathroom." Dumbledore began then took a break to light a cigarette, before beginning again. "That's when I saw , she was dead!" Dumbledore said as he pretended to cry. "I ran out of her house I went to go get Harry but he was gone, and I looked on the porch and Ptenuia was dead along with Vernon, I saw a teriified Dudley". Dumbledore said motioning to the large boy behind him. " I asked him what happened he said a weird cloaked man killed his parents and he saw a matted grizzly man walk off with a baby". "Isnt that right Dudley?" "Yes that's what happened." Dudley replied robiticaly and not blinking his eyes. "Uh Albis why isn't he blinking?" Lupin asked in a concerned tone. "Good heavens Remus he just lost his mom and dad I think he's a liitle bit in shock." Dumbledore said agressively. "Wait a minute!" Lupin began "I dont why I didn't notice this before but this Dudley Im looking at is only what a year old he can't tell you what you told me!" Lupin exclaimed to flabbergasted Dumbledore. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you see magic can do stuff, alot of things you see, icluding uhhhh makng uh babies speak." Dumbledore stuttered nervously as Lupins frown increased." What you don't believe the greatest wizard of all time!" Dumbledore replied defiantly, crossing his arms. "The whole point of this is Did you Remus Lupin steal Harry Potter?" Dumbledore said sternly. "No do you think i'd show up if I did?" Lupin replied. "Good enough for me you may go." Dumbledore whezed. "Wait hold it!" Dumbledore said abruptly. "Obliviate!" Dumbledore belched as he wiped the memory of tonights events from Lupins mind.

6 months later:

"Albis why am I getting paid so little!" An irrate Minerva Mcgonagal screached. "Times are tough Minerva." Dumbledore wheezed as he motioned her to go away. "Really Albis why is the rest of the staff getting paid double or more than me, even Filch is getting paid more." Minerva your job requires no skill and anyone could get that job." Dumbledore replied with a hearty chuckle. "Anyway Minerva why are you complaining if isn't wasn't for me you would have no job, you wouldn't even have a job cleaning peoples asses at St. Mungo's cleaning people's asses." Dumbledore said pleasantly with a good nature smile. "That's not true Dumbledore and I quit!" Minerva said slamming the door. "Go ahead you bitch you'll be nothing without me, mark my words." Dumbledore screamed, putting a wad of tobacco in his mouth, and watching his favorite football team Manchester United beat up on Aston Villa. (Minerva would go on to be the headmistress of Beauxbatons academy in the lovely country of France!)


	6. You're hired

Dumbledore after Minerva quit hired his good friend Molly Weasely to fill the vacant transfiguration post. Dumbledore told her to just have the kids clean the school for a grade, due to the fact that Molly knew nothing about transfiguration. That wasn't the only vacancy problem that was facing Dumbledore . The other day both Filius Flitwick and Argus Filch quit claiming that Dumbledore raped them! Dumbledore hired Mundungus Fletcher to be the temporary caretaker until his new adopted muggle son Dudley got to the right age to take over. Dumbledore hired his crush Alastor Moody to fill Flitwick's post at charms. Dumbledore was about to lay back and watch some karate from the Durley's stolen TV when he got a knock on the door. "Come in!" Dumbledore burped. " Ahh Remus my fine stud, couldn't get enough of me eh?" Dumbledore said pleasantly. "Actually I came here to ask you what happened to Peter Pettigrew, he vanished the same time that Lily and James were murdered." Lupin questioned suspiciously. "How about you knock it off with the questioning, and make this old man happy!" Dumbledore croked with a maniac gleam and throwing off his cloak. "Screw you Albis I don't follow you any more!" Lupin yelled flicking his wand, blasting Dumbledore through the wall.

The Riddlle Manor:

"My lord I got the baby". "Fenir how many times do I have to tell you don't call me lord call me Tom" Said a voice. " Sorry Tom" Fenir replied remorsefully. "Anyway you have done well Fenir bringing Harry to me". Tom replied pleasantly as Fenir acknowledged. " I along with the rest of my friends will make sure Harry is well taken care of".


	7. The news

After months of investigating and searching for Harry, Dumbledore came to the conclusion that Harry was dead. Dumbledore quickly forgot about Harry and resumed his "normal" life.

10 years later:

Harry was going to diagon Alley, to shop for school supplies with his guardian Fenir Greyback. Over the past 10 years Harry was taught about magic. He learned from his good adult friend Tom Riddle that his parents were killed by Peter Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew was instantly killed when Lily laid down her life for Harry. Harry was filled in about Dumbledore and evil regime. Harry was told that Dumbledore hired Peter Pettigrew to kill his parents, because Dumbledore expected to get a big payout from their will. Tom then went on to say that "Dumbledore made up a story that I went dark and made several horcruxes". "He even went as far to say that I go under the name Voldemort!"

A day earlier:

Harry got an acceptance letter from Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizadry. He quickly lost his excitement when he found out that Dumbledore was the Headmaster of the 't worry Dumbledore can't hurt you Tom assured him, before telling Harry that he should have fun and prank the old man. Moments later an owl showed up with a letter. The letter was then handed to Harry who read it: " Dear Harry it's been a long time, and I can't believe your still alive." It went on to say, " Please tell me who's taking care of you, and tell me about your life. " hope you are well, Albis Dumbledore. Harry just threw the letter in the fire and carried on.

1 week ago:

Dumbledore was busy mailing out Hogwarts acceptance letters, it was all going fine until: "An acceptance letter to HARRY POTTER!" Dumbledore screamed the last part. Dumbledore punched himself in the head several times, just to see if he wasn't dreaming. A couple punches later Dumbledore had accidentally knocked himself out. A day later an extremely confused Dumbledore mailed the letter.


	8. Chapter 8

Dumbledore was watching the soaps on his stolen tv, with his new boyfriend Bill Weasely, and his new son/ sometimes lover Dudley Dursley."Rejection!" Dumbledore sliced and diced with joy as he saw one of the actors get slapped. "I want to watch cartoons!" Screamed Dudley. "Ooo you want to laugh!" Dumbledore quacked with enthusiasm. "I'll make you laugh!" Dumbledore said as he tickled Dudley, sometimes he did in questionable places. "Ooo is that better!" Dumbledore said as he wiped swrst of his brow. "Ooo I got to rest for the first day of school tomorrow!" Dumbledore chopped. "You're cousin Harry came back from the dead and he'll be there tomorrow." Dumbledore now expressed anger in his voice. To bed Dudley me and Bill have some unfinished business to do." Dumbledore ordered. "Can't I stay!"pleaded Dudley. " No,you can't , you don't hold still enough!" Dumbledore cried as he punted Dudley off the bed. "Where were we Bill?" Dumbledore fried. "I think I remember!" Dumbledore added with a toot, as he made some intense, mad, and crazy love, literally for the whole night they did. "Potter I'll kick your ass!" Dumbledore timbered into the night.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning Dumbledore let off a balsamic fart and literally flew out of bed. "To Kings cross" Dumbledore chirped madly as he put on a Scarlett and gold cloak, and lept off the astronomy tower at Hogwarts

Meanwhile, Harry had just said his good byes to Fenir Greyback, and he boarded the Hogwarts express. Harry sat by himself in a compartment. After a couple of minutes of waiting for the train to take off, Harry heard a big commotion. Harry looked out of his compartment. Harry could see a really old bearded man in a struggle with the train conductor. "Tell me where he is!" The bearded man pressed. "I'm telling you I don't know anyone on this train!" The conductor pleaded. Just then Harry almost vomited as the old man sunk his teeth into the conductor neck, ripping out his jugular. Just then the old man turned around and faced a terrified Harry. " Harry! " the old man photocopied drvishly!


	10. Chapter 10

Harry ran into his compartment and locked the door, as the old man pounded on the door. "Hey boy this old man just wants a cookie!" The old man gargled. "Get away you weirdo!" Harry screamed. "Come on man I'm a badass, open up!" The old man faxed. "Oh damn I got five- o on my ass!" The old man quacked. "Catch you at school Harry!" The man added with a toot, and a slice. "How di you know my name!" Harry screamed as received no reply.

Harry looked out of his compartment and saw several people standing over the dead conductors dead body. They then shook their heads. "First it was Barty Crouch, then the disappearance of Reginald Cattermole, now this." A big black dude spoke in a booming voice. Harry sunk back into his seat as the train took off. He dazed out his window, and he saw that bearded man again, holding a sign. "Welcome to Gryffindor Harry!" The sign said. Harry felt nauseated and passed out.


	11. Chapter 11

To all my fans I am sorry I haven't updated lately. My family has been plagued by death. I just lost my uncle Zachary last week. That followed the death of my father Damien, and my sister Peggy. So to my fans, you have been the best, and I will update, when I reach closure.


	12. Chapter 12

thank you everyone for your kind words, that would of meant a lot to uncle Chucky my father Bernie, and my sister Gretchen Rip!


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